My Mental Health Journey - Part 1: Toxic Job Burnout
- Michelle Martinez
- May 5
- 3 min read
The Job That Looked Good on Paper (But Broke Me Behind the Scenes)
It was the most I had ever been paid in my corporate career.
Close to home.
Close to my daughter, who wasn’t even two years old yet.
I couldn’t pass it up.
But about six months in... I realized I had been sold a bill of goods.
Content Warning:
This post shares my personal story of mental health struggles, including depression and suicidal thoughts. Please take care while reading. If these topics are difficult for you right now, it’s okay to skip this and come back when you feel ready. 🧡
This job? It wasn’t what they promised.
I was replacing someone who had been there for 10 years, inheriting her accounts and quotas.
Her clients knew her. Trusted her.
Me? I was just "Michelle, the new girl."
And on top of that? My territory was massive — from South San Francisco all the way to North San Jose (38 city miles).
Not exactly "closer to home" after all. I live on the other side of the Bay. About 30-35 minutes from San Francisco.
The Roles I Didn’t Sign Up For
I was supposed to be an Account Manager.
But here’s what I actually became:
Customer Service
Shipping and Receiving
Inventory Manager
Accounts Receivable
Accounts Payable
Warehouse Support
Anytime I asked for help? Silence.
Oh, and bonus? Customer service didn’t want to do customer service. They passed everything to the Account Managers.
And then there were the brilliant substitutions (insert sarcastic voice).
Like when yellow highlighters were out of stock… and someone subbed them with manila folders.
Yep. That’s the level of "logic" I was dealing with.
When I Stopped Caring (But Still Stayed)
By this point?
Morale was trash.
It was sales vs. operations vs. customer service vs. everyone else.
I stopped trying.
I did the bare minimum.
I stayed in survival mode because it was easy and, TBH, they proudly didn’t fire anyone.
So I kept the paycheck, worked outside with my dog, crocheted, ran errands, picked up DoorDash side gigs...and kept the lights on.
But deep down? I was dying inside.
The Comment That Crushed Me
The tipping point came when someone said:
"You’re not going to find anything better."
That stuck in my head on loop.
You’re right.
Maybe I wouldn’t.
But also… fuck that.
So I started applying.
And just when I was close to escaping? The company dangled new "promises"...bonus programs, better systems, yada yada.
Guess what? Another bill of goods.
Worse than the first.
The Darkest Night
This is where shit got real.
I hit a place mentally I never thought I would.
Depression swallowed me whole.
I was pacing at night while my husband and daughter slept, thinking about how I could "end the misery."
I didn’t care about anything else.
But in that dark spiral, my brain (the overthinking analytical part) talked me out of it.
If I cared so much about doing it perfectly, did I really want to do it?
That cracked something open.
It saved me that night.
The Ending I Didn’t Expect (But Needed)
Even after that, I stayed in the toxic job.
Until the universe intervened.
During the pandemic, while caregiving for my dad with cancer, I exhausted my family leave.
When I asked for a layoff to continue caring for him, HR said:
"We’ll give you two weeks. Or you can resign."
Seriously? I resigned. Happily.
Because finally, that chapter was closed.
I have zero regrets.
Walking away saved my mental health more than they’ll ever know.
If You’re In This Too…
You don’t have to live in survival mode.
You don’t have to be stuck in "bare minimum just to make it through" energy.
You’re always welcome here, no matter where you are in your journey.
This was only the first chapter of my journey — and trust me, it wasn’t the end.
Next up? How caregiving, chronic illness, and a global pandemic collided… and forced me to rebuild life on my own terms.
Stay tuned. The next part of my story drops soon.
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